Before I discovered CrossFit I tried many different things to lose weight, and they were all spectacular failures.

Seattle Sutton: This lasted for exactly one meal because 1) the food was appalling and 2) there wasn’t even enough of it. Seattle Sutton’s is all about caloric restriction. The child-sized portions make you feel like Gulliver. Why is everything so small?  I think Seattle Sutton has a special farm where they breed miniature chickens. How else could they get such tiny chicken breasts?

Vegetarianism: Like everyone else I was hoodwinked by anti-fat propaganda. I thought that eating meat was making me fat. So I carved out all of the animal protein and fat from my diet and replaced those calories with rice, pasta and grains. Yes, I was one of those vegetarians who doesn’t actually eat vegetables. And as you might expect, I got weak and sick, and also much fatter. This was my low point in terms of mental function. Eating all of that wheat toxified my brain and made me stupid.

Metabolizers: I hang my head in shame, but I have to admit that I tried fat metabolizers. This is the cheesiest of all weight loss strategies because it appeals to both vanity and laziness. What a ringing character endorsement! Anyway, fat metabolizers made me sweat profusely and they kept me up at night. I would roll around in damp sheets trying to ignore my heart throbbing violently in my chest.

The weight loss industry is based on the fantasy that you can get something for nothing. “Fast, easy and cheap” are great selling points in a culture that is addicted to convenience. But you can’t have convenience without compromise, and “easy” weight loss solutions are all half-measures that compromise your health for the sake of your waistline. Accepting that nothing in life is free is like swallowing the red pill. It’s scary, but you will finally be free.