If I were an evil warlock bent on increasing the suffering of humanity, first I would invent the burpee. Then I would invent the laptop.

The laptop is billed as a tool of modern convenience and techno chic, but it’s actually actually a $2,000 instrument of torture. Here’s why:

1) Tiny Keyboard Laptop keyboards are too dang small. It’s impossible to type on them without using Tyrannosaurus Rex arms. Over prolonged periods this extremely unnatural position can lead to carpal tunnel and other forms of nerve damage.

2) Low Screen Unless you’re using a riser, the screen on a laptop will be about the height of your gut, meaning you’ll always be looking down at it. Why are my neck and shoulders always sore? Oh yeah. Laptop.

3) Portability What is billed as its greatest benefit is actually the laptop’s greatest liability. If you can bring your work home with you then you will and that means you have to carry a two or three pound slab of plastic around with you from your desk to the car. How do you do it? Shoulder bags are terrible but the worst solution of all is the roller bag. Roller bags require you to drag something heavy using your shoulder in its weakest position and your elbow absorbing shock in a fully extended position. Not good.

If you can’t avoid using a laptop then here are some tips. First, carry it like a spear by your side (bros), or like a baby, hugged to your chest (women). This is how you are designed to carry things for prolonged periods. Second, spring for an ergonomic blue tooth keyboard. If anyone makes fun of you for being a nerd you can sock him with your healthy forearms. Finally, save all your telephone books and use them to raise your laptop monitor so that its center is at about the height of your adam’s apple.